José Alvarez
Thoughts on Sex, Love, and Responsibility
August 2024 — Originally published on June 25th, 2021 on The Minerva Quest
Photo by Mattia Bericchia on Unsplash
To the most eloquent expression of the most graceful personality.
1. A slave or a master
(Created: 06/18/2021 09:51 CST - Last edited: 06/18/2021 09:56 CST)
To be a slave of your—sexual—desire, or a master of your—personal—love, is that the question?
Are we sexual objects, or are we persons who are objects of love?
I don't think we are tools
and means to ends,
but ends in themselves.
2. Sympathy, friendship, love, and marriage
(Created: 06/18/2021 11:53 CST - Last edited: 06/18/2021 11:55 CST)
Sympathy can be without love,
sympathy can even be without friendship.
Even a marriage can be with intense sympathy and without genuine friendship.
But the material for love is not the same as love.
What good does experience make if it remains ignorant in the education of love?
What good does it make to consume, to "use up,"
the material to grow love without ever growing love?
3. Thoughts on fondness
(Created: 06/18/2021 12:04 CST - Last edited: 06/18/2021 12:19 CST)
Emotional-affective reactions are normal.
Admiration is normal.
Even infatuation is normal.
The feeling of having a crush is the most normal thing in the world.
Attraction is normal.
Being confused is normal.
But fondness is not normal.
Fondness is deliberate.
Fondness is conscious.
There is a big difference between having a feeling and making a decision.
A decision for what?
A decision to appreciate a person as an object of fondness.
This decision is powerful because we have been endowed
with the powers of self-determination and free will.
I don't believe in destiny,
but I believe a relationship can be blessed
if we choose to ask Him.
4. Complementariness
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Boldness and outgoingness.
Outspokenness and spontaneity.
Devotion and benevolence.
Seriousness and humor.
Elegance and chillness.
Consistency and compassion.
Introversion and extroversion.
Individualism and empathy.
Markets? and welfare?
Inventiveness and hard-work.
Optimism and maturity.
Tenderness and sensuality.
Educated innocence and wise experience.
Intentionality and adventurousness.
Ambition and leadership.
Deliberateness and subtleness.
Songs and paintings.
Spanish and english.
Straightforwardness and eloquence.
"Good forward-thinking," but "sometimes the craziest ideas are the best."
Dreamfulness and purposefulness.
Thoughtfulness and thoughtfulness.
Mindfulness and mindfulness.
Acceptance and acceptance.
Admiration and admiration.
Certain emergent properties are no accident.
The explosion of gunpowder and fire never is.
The interpersonal relationship that blossoms into love may not be either.
5. What will I tell my children?
(Created: 06/18/2021 19:53 CST - Last edited: 06/18/2021 19:59 CST)
As a good libertarian, I won't ever control the lives of my children because I understand that I can't and shouldn't. But I know which book I will give them during their teenagehood—Love and Responsibility—because I really wish someone had gifted it to me.
My children will also be able to read all of this. Sex will be an open topic, and they will be able to access all the sex education they need, e.g., birth control. The decisions, and the learnings from their life experiences, are theirs. And I will respect that because I must.
They can openly disagree with me (e.g., "Dad, sorry, but you're old-fashioned and I disagree with you, I choose to explore my sexuality." "All right, dear, I vehemently disagree at the spiritual level with calling them ‘old-fashioned’. Please know that I love you and I'll always be here to talk openly if you want a different perspective. I also invite you to read what I published 20 years ago in The Minerva Quest."). But I won't simply tell them when they reach puberty: "Hey kid, take this for birth control, no questions asked."
I strongly believe teenagers are not adults but they're also not children. Teenagehood is the time when you must learn to take your own decisions and face the consequences. Of course, teenagers who can talk through their core values with their parents will be better equipped in going through this stage of their lives—who doesn't benefit from a different perspective? And a parent who loves his children will do his best to offer them all his perspective, all the lessons from his experience, all his wisdom, to help them navigate their thoughts, even if ultimately he must respect them as independent individuals. (Mom can also disagree with dad and offer different advice and I think that a home where that is a thing is cool, let the best arguments win. Obviously, it's better to agree mutually on the nuances of the advice beforehand, if possible.)
But one thing is for sure: my children will be individuals who know how to think for themselves. They will not be swayed by doing "what everyone says" for the sake of "fitting in." They will also not fear disagreement with me. I know this because I will show them with my example. I know this because I think for myself and I do not fear strong disagreement with people in a civil manner.
6. Responsibility, responsibility, responsibility
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Responsibility, responsibility, responsibility.
Don't we want to love with responsibility?
Responsibility for the person we love.
It's not overwhelming, it's not unpleasant.
It shouldn't be if we feel we genuinely love.
Because if we feel we genuinely love,
we long for taking over the responsibility.
What is truly important to you, you don't dare leave in the hands of someone else.
The world is too wicked to be trusted with the wellbeing of your beloved.
7. The love between a woman and a man is beautiful
(Created: 06/17/2021 11:56 CST - Last edited: 06/17/2021 12:16 CST)
The love between a woman and a man is beautiful. I want to acknowledge this beauty in a beautiful and peaceful way.
I want to emphasize the notion of responsibility. The responsibility that the love making between a woman and a man demands is intrinsic to its essence. It is intrinsic to its natural weight. Such responsibility is not to be taken lightly: both in the sense that the potential being that is procreated demands it, and also in the sense that two persons embracing the readiness for parenthood together strengthen their love by the special shared-lived experience. This is the beauty of the single greatest miracle of all existence that blossoms through an act of generous self-giving love.
8. Love is for the courageous, not the cowards
(Created: 06/17/2021 13:43 CST - Last edited: 06/17/2021 14:49 CST)
Love is for the courageous, not the cowards.
The courageous want to love. Because the courageous want to take responsibility for their beloved. It's natural, it comes naturally for them. It's hard for them to feel otherwise. They've mastered their senses. They've mastered their virtues. They've mastered their soul. So it feels easy for them.
The cowards have corrupted themselves in pleasure. The cowards fear responsibility. They fear responsibility for a person. They have screwed their senses. They've become selfish, perhaps not because they want to be selfish, but because they lack the strength to be selfless. That's true. I don't think most people will say, "I want to be selfish," but a lot of people lack the strength to be selfless.
To be selfless takes strength. It takes courage. It takes conviction. Strength doesn't come easily. But virtues can be mastered. One must work for that. Then they come easily, they come with temperance. One then feels happiness in being good. It comes naturally. We become virtuous. It becomes part of the essence of oneself. And it's a great thing. It's powerful.
9. El amor vence siempre
(Created: 06/19/2021 19:56 CST - Last edited: 06/21/2021 15:17 CST)
Juan Pablo II explica:
"Si amados jóvenes, estar atentos a no permitir que se debilite en vosotros el sentido de Dios. No se puede vencer el mal con el bien si no se tiene ese sentido de Dios, de su acción, de su presencia que nos invita a apostar siempre por la gracia, por la vida, contra el pecado, contra la muerte. Está en juego la suerte de la humanidad. El hombre puede construir un mundo sin Dios, pero este mundo acabará por volverse contra el hombre."
"Si penetráis en vuestro interior, descubriréis sin duda efectos, anhelos de bien no satisfechos, pecados, pero igualmente veréis que duermen en vuestra intimidad fuerzas no actuadas, virtudes no suficientemente ejercitadas, capacidades de reacción no agotadas."
"¡Cuántas energías hay como escondidas en el alma de un joven o de una joven! ¡Cuántas aspiraciones justas y profundos anhelos que es necesario despertar, sacar a la luz! Energías y valores que muchas veces los comportamientos y presiones que vienen de la secularización asfixian y que sólo pueden despertar en la experiencia de fe, experiencia de Cristo vivo, Cristo muerto, Cristo crucificado, Cristo resucitado."
“Este es, amigos míos, el mensaje de vida que el Papa quiere transmitir a los jóvenes chilenos: ¡Buscad a Cristo! ¡Mirad a Cristo! ¡Vivid en Cristo! Este es mi mensaje: <
“Cristo nos está pidiendo que no permanezcamos indiferentes ante la injusticia, que nos comprometamos responsablemente en la construcción de una sociedad más cristiana, una sociedad mejor. Para esto es preciso que alejemos de nuestra vida el odio; que reconozcamos como engañosa, falsa, incompatible con su seguimiento, toda ideología que proclame la violencia y el odio como remedios para conseguir la justicia. El amor vence siempre, como Cristo ha vencido; el amor ha vencido, aunque en ocasiones, ante sucesos y situaciones concretas, pueda parecernos incapaz. Cristo parecía impotente—Cristo parecía impotente en la cruz—Dios siempre puede más.”
10. What if you talked to a girl...
(Created: 06/17/2021 15:02 CST - Last edited: 06/17/2021 15:53 CST)
What if you talked to a girl
that she is an object of love
and not an object of use.
Too tight, too uptight?
Too conservative?
Too faithful?
What if you repeat it to her
until it sinks in.
Too boring?
What if you come up with
many different and creative
ways to let her know
of a different angle,
an angle that shows
there can be much more.
Will she listen? Of course she will do!
Because you know to yourself
that you will choose no one but the smartest and kindest girl,
the one that has the most benevolent soul. Will she listen?
Of course you know she will do!
Because you know she is a million times more intelligent than
you are.
Anything you can understand,
she will understand it
a thousand times better.
You know to yourself she
has shut you up countless
times with her wonderful
arguments. (Thank you.)
You know to yourself
you wouldn’t have chosen
lightly. Because you didn’t.
You wouldn’t allow yourself
to choose lightly.
No one is perfect, but
there are times in life
when you know
you cannot live with the doubt.
That’s the best test to decide
on whether you should approach
someone.
(Although
one feels quickly about
a crush. It takes a little
more time to decide to
appreciate a person as an object of fondness.)
And there are also times in
life in which you simply
have no doubts.
This is
one of
those
times.
Why is that the case only sometimes?
Because only sometimes some
people express the beauty of
their soul so well, so eloquently!
The most eloquent expression of the most graceful personality
doesn’t go unnoticed. It simply can’t.
And
it didn’t to
me.
Because you know
your dream is that the love of
your life will be the most
amazing person you will have
ever known.
I don’t believe in
destiny. Because I believe
in the powers of self-determination
and free will. But I believe
in faith and grace. I believe
a relationship can be blessed
and filled with grace. All
the more if we ask for it,
if we choose to co-create
with Him.
So I believe we are in full control
of our decisions. But we are
not in full control of everything
that happens to us. There are
way too many things outside and
beyond our control, many
circumstances.
But there are coincidences
we can pay attention to.
Ultimately, we choose. And
either decision is completely fine.
Again, I don’t believe in destiny.
But I believe God is merciful
and help us out even after
our mistakes.
As John Paul II says:
“Grace has the power to make
straight the ways of
human love.”